strolling thru a few favorite blogs the other day...something i haven't done in quite some time...and came across this on my friend judy wise's blog. i think it spoke to me because i am in that place of letting go of my anal retentive nature about everything having to be perfect and me having to do it all...it doesn't, and i don't. aaaahhhh. peace. and those who matter the most...get this...they love me anyway!! :~)

Leave the dishes.
Let the celery rot in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator
and an earthen scum harden on the kitchen floor.
Leave the black crumbs in the bottom of the toaster.
Throw the cracked bowl out and don't patch the cup.
Don't patch anything. Don't mend. Buy safety pins.
Don't even sew on a button.

Let the wind have its way, then the earth
that invades as dust and then the dead
foaming up in gray rolls underneath the couch.
Talk to them. Tell them they are welcome.
Don't keep all the pieces of the puzzles
or the doll's tiny shoes in pairs, don't worry
who uses whose toothbrush or if anything
matches, at all.

Except one word to another. Or a thought.
Pursue the authentic-decide first
what is authentic,
then go after it with all your heart.
Your heart, that place
you don't even think of cleaning out.
That closet stuffed with savage mementos.

Don't sort the paper clips from screws from saved baby teeth
or worry if we're all eating cereal for dinner
again. Don't answer the telephone, ever,
or weep over anything at all that breaks.
Pink molds will grow within those sealed cartons
in the refrigerator. Accept new forms of life
and talk to the dead
who drift in though the screened windows, who collect
patiently on the tops of food jars and books.

Recycle the mail, don't read it, don't read anything
except what destroys
the insulation between yourself and your experience
or what pulls down or what strikes at or what shatters
this ruse you call necessity.

~louise erdrich

learning

my life is so very different in so many ways than it was just a few months ago...lots of exterior physical ways, new job (i'm back to being a legal assistant), almost moved but didn't, so when i unpacked, not very many things made it back to their previous home, so kinda like a new house, k has started kindergarten and all that that entails, new medication (seems to be working), some new friends, some old friends and even family that have disappeared, just the act of living each day knowing it's just me and k, i am in therapy once a week, and believe it or not (i sometimes still can't) eric and i are too, (but still taking it one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time), the way that i cook each day, the schedule i keep, the tv i watch, the clothes i wear, (30 pounds down in the first 3 months of this journey) so so so many things...

but none of that holds a candle to the things that have changed on the inside.

i would say a shift has occurred. but that would not be accurate.
many shifts have occurred...in my thoughts, my feelings, my body, my sense of self, of who i am, truly. of why i am here, my purpose, my heart.

robyn said in my last post i seemed stronger than before. i don't know how she knew, from that, except she is one strong, intuitive lady herself! but i think i am. no, i know i am. i am at least stronger today than i was yesterday. and since there have been so many yesterdays in these past months, the cumulative effect here i suppose, is a much stronger me.

don't get me wrong. i don't always feel it. and i am certainly not, nor have i been perfect in dealing with any of this, but with the help, love and support of those few faithful souls who have chosen to stand beside me, or kneel with me, or hold me up, or just hold me, to listen to me, to cry with me, and to love me anyway, i am stronger. today.

my 79 year old grandmother (my nanny) told me a few nights ago that she was proud of me.

for how far i've come. that she could see the difference in me even from a month ago, and that self confidence and self love were more present in me than she had seen in me since i was a little girl.

and now the tears are falling. but not for the reason you may think...it's because thru all of this, one of the many things i have learned is that in my life i have so yearned to hear those words "i'm proud of you" from anyone, that i have twisted myself inside out over and over again to the point of not even recognizing myself, in order to hear them. to be accepted. for just being me.

but it didnt' work. ever. striving for perfection, to be all that i thought everyone else expected me to be, was not being true to me. i wasn't just being me. seems like common sense, right? well for me it was a big aha moment. i matter. my feelings matter. i can even stand up for them, feel them deeply, and name them, and be at peace with them and thus, myself. wow.

and how strange that for my whole life to have always been labeled "the emotional one", "the melancholy one" to have somehow gotten so into my head, and out of my heart and body and to truly be so completely out of touch with my feelings that whenever they do come out now it's usually in a rush, as if they themselves have taken on a life of their own and are trying to come out all at once, since i have finally given them a chance to show themselves. very strange. and i certainly do not have a handle on this yet, not even close, but i'm learning. boy, am i learning....

learning to be. and not do.
learning to let go. of control. (it's an illusion anyway) of yucky situations and people and even things.
learning to feel. and not think so much.
learning to love. again.
learning to stand on my own.
learning when to lean on others.
learning when to ask for help. and not feel weak or guilty because i need it.
learning to stand up for myself, my beliefs, and yes, for my feelings.
learning to be open. even when wounded.
learning that i never did believe in conditional love. and that's ok.
learning to not listen (or rather how to acknowledge and discard) to the "tapes" in my head that have been running for as long as i can remember...those that say i'm not good enough, who do you think you are??...we all have them...i didn't know that either.
learning to discard the guilt and the shame.

and mostly, learning that as long as i am open to learning it will one day not matter at all if no one ever says they are proud of me or not, because i will be.
and that will be enough.

thank you.

well, after more than a four-month absence from here i am at a loss as to where to start, or start again, as the case may be.

but what i am feeling most of all, for all of you out there, (friends i didn't even know i had!!) is a gratitude so deep and wide that words cannot adequately express it.

your words of encouragement and hope, your e-mails just when i needed them the most, your notes and gifts and and calls and good thoughts and vibrations and prayers sent to me from locations near and far were all received, usually cried over, held close, and cherished in ways you cannot even believe.

i am humbled. genuinely humbled. and oh so grateful for each and every one of you. thank you from the bottom of my heart. truly. thank you.

you may not know the impact you have had on this girl's heart and life...but i will tell you; i know that in a lot of ways i owe my very life to those of you that refused to let me sink, to be pulled under by sadness and despair and hopelessness. yes, you. and you. and you. i felt the love. i feel it still.

and i will say it again...thank you.

the date on the photo tells me this was may 2. this year. 

amazing. 

and why is a photo of my shoes in the middle of the kitchen floor so amazing? 

its amazing because that's where i took them off as i came in the back door that evening after a night out with eric (the love of my life, the father of my child, my best friend for the last 6 years) at a friend's birthday party where we had some much needed fun. together. sans child.

we had hired a babysitter and gone out for real.  he told everyone we saw, with his arm around me, and smiling into my eyes, that we were getting married in june.  on the beach.  in florida. just me, him and our beautiful daughter. like i had always wanted. like we had always talked about. we finally had the money in the bank and an upcoming vacation. and it was on!

and then, the next weekend...he was gone.

and i am so lost.

feeling discarded and abandoned just like those shoes there on the kitchen floor.

so i am trying desperately to make sense of it all. to come to terms. to get a grip. to grit my teeth and bear it. sometimes that works. mostly not.

everything is changing and my daughter and i have to find our way. a new way. 

muddling thru.

and trying, really trying, to find the beauty that is left to show to you. 

but you may have to be a bit patient with me, as everything looks oh so very hazy and distorted at the moment.

a look at some of the color popping up in the garden...trying to find beauty wherever i can these days...

Organization Just Makes Me Feel Better....

whenever i returned from artfest and got back into the studio i simply couldn't do anything productive until it got organized.  really it had been a good year since that had been done and i was to the point of not being able to find anything.  just makes me feel better not only to know where things are, but you know it's gotta look good too!  here are a few shots to show you what i mean....

a must-have...the post-artfest-octopus inspiration station...


and of course, i had to show ya'll my most precious work of art...this was last weekend right before she went onstage at her very first dance recital.  she and all her little friends tapped their hearts out to" lullabye on broadway" and i couldn't have been prouder of her!

Listening...

i discovered several years ago, during an opportunity i had to spend a couple of months working in the caribbean that i am a beach girl.  i am a water girl.  i love the feel of the sand, the smell of the water, and the sound of the waves.  i feel more relaxed and more like myself when i can wake up and go to sleep at the ocean's door.  

and although life (really parenting) has prevented too many trips of any kind for the last 6 years, the cold waters off the washington coast have served to give me a bit of life breath for the last 2.  no bikinis here...sweaters and boots instead...but in the company of my art sisters, searching for beach glass and listening to the sound of the surf has never been as comforting.  if you are very still for just a moment i'll bet you can hear it too...

and if you are really lucky you can also hear stephanie's laugh just as clearly...